consider this archive, inventory, spring cleaning, exorcism. From Feb 2026 poetry zine: A thought of you I think of our gentle embrace limb tangled over limb entwined together in magnetic power blissful taste of the divine held tenderly between our lips so strong and so sweet I've been thinking of growing old I confess. You laugh - an indecernable thing Those days I was struck A percieved enormity behind your words, gestures, glances Tucked away, glimped once or twice lost in your shining eyes I saw decades lost in the pursuit The aching murk of nights passed Tasting life through too many cheap beers Even there, in the neon glow The delicate strings danced between us One for her I caught your scent again, walking down 35th, a cloud hanging faint over the faces of tired men. When was our last embrace? In the back of his cab, where I held You, our shared language in a strange land You, serendipitous window opened For us to glimpse each other clearly. Were you with me that night when I tasted your whisper on her lips? Did she know it was the memory Of you that set me alight? I miss you, dear friend. You were there with me as I died a slow, self-appointed death. You held me tight while I drifted away Who will hold me now? When you are gone and I, still, am here- Left with this endless procession of days Never before worth living. The shape of sound Is the shape of fingers curled firm against a fretboard Dancing with rehearsed grace across taut, waiting strings is the trepid lump catching in a throat afraid to speak Is the overdue words spilling out Buzzes in the space between us Before transforming once more, Bouncing from your heart to mine, Dancer strutting about the room While our beating hearts keep time The Sun Which is to say my skin left kissed by your warm touch Which is to say your presence radiating life I fear to gaze at you fully As if to put a magnifying glass between us Would surely leave me burnt against the sidewalk God My first night in your arms You leaned in to ask if I believed in God. In that moment, If I looked very closely, I could watch my timid soul Traverse the treacherous chasm between our fingertips, Leaping across the gap to lay softly beside yours. I have no other word for it- The light that guides her perilous journey. With uncertain answers for you, I lean in and taste God on your lips, Wondering if, in your asking, You had glimpsed it too. the ocean pt 1. I rip free defiled rib and breath life in my own image. Pliable supplicant flesh worships still at my altar. You ask "who are you" but no answer will suffice. What is a worm? The soil it nurtures, the wildflower springing forth? Here I Am- the very stardust now flows in my veins. The whole of creation heralds my rebirth. The river sings through me. I craft myself gills and take my first breath. A multitude flows forth with my tide. Come, lover, rest by the shore with me and feel the ocean's heartbeat. searing You kiss me like the attempt to make up for lost time. I taste a future that never could have come to pass dead on your lips. i let myself be used, crude desecration. The word searing through my brain weakly mustered it is at best a meaningless syllable falling on disinterested ears. I grip silence like a blanket greedily pulling the moth-eaten wool over my wide eyes. My lover's tender soothing hands brush my cheek. She sees the fear in my eyes that your gaze refused She cannot feel the stinging shock of your open hand where hers now rests. I want to hide the fear and sting in equal parts she has glimpsed too much. Very same blanket covers me and threatens to smother Desperate I claw to her surface. She pulls me out and I search the mirrors of her eyes for any sign of life smoke break The youngest, at least 40, but they're here tonight - The thumping promise of Good Time beckons us in all the same We speak in adjacent language - Our spirits reach, almost touching, but are lost Somewhere between palacz and палач; No matter. We die our slow deaths all the same. Inside, someone I love longs to be anywhere but here She sees the paint peeling - the palid promise holds nothing for her. I wonder what it still holds for me. In 20 years we will be Here Breathing clouds of stale dreams or In Germany, or some distant Southern state Two cats in the yard I want to live each night so fully that i will have lived one thousand lifetimes by next Thursday In 20 years , if I can keep this up, I will have lived ONE MILLION LIVES and some change Which is, I think, A lot for one person. desire A voice is screaming in my head. Before the words of perilous denial can form on lips, I shove the voice's bearer far back into the familiar, cramped cabinet i knew resided there still- Just large enough for me to curl inside and snap closed the heavy padlock. Something beautiful is unfurling before me- the kiln of love and ecstasy burning hot in your eyes, melting our bodies into one tender mass of limbs, hearts, soft kisses; I peer through the keyhole and steal small glimpses. As we lay basking in the warmth shared, I feel a banging, rising quick from that far off cabinet, threatening to burst forth. An adjoining bathroom marks safe enough retreat, the nearest solitude i dare afford myself. The mirror lays me bare, and the voice rips through me. i stifle mourning wails as the black tears bubble forth and cascade down an unfamiliar face. I picture, for a moment, returning as i am- Treacherous mascara traced lines mapped for all to see. I picture the comfort I'd surely receive (these girls love me, after all). I picture guilt taking over your eyes, and I scrub my face clean. shimmer We shined so bright, then, a moment. when was is? may, june? my birthday My friends gathered, kissing my cheeks One more from you, something to hold tight My best friend is Freaking the Fuck Out She's oscillating somewhere i cannot reach But Elle can, angel dropped into our lives (she'll be gone within the month) I think we ran from the cops that night Or more likely, We were quietly escorted away from the cops My glittering haze could hardly spot the difference Hand in hand, monkeys in a barrel 6am cigarettes, the weight of bad pancakes/ no sleep/ no coffee the caffeine will fuck your brain / uneasy stomachs What if we get better together (she does, i can't) the dizzing gleam of your kiss plays through my head dying stuck fast tape recorder where was it? I swear, i saw it here i claw at the drain i must have dropped i Desperate to pull it back I gaze into the swirling inky black I dive for a faint shimmer appendix: journaling 8.25.24 journaling has always been difficult for me 8.27.24 any retrospective of the emotional impact would be gravely lacking 8.30.24 (i need to stop using kaleidescopic so much but it's so so good) 9.1.24 I will recede from view and something else will take my place 1.7.2025 fear something will slip past me